Call of the Uterus

I am lying in bed while my uterus protests its existence. It is that time of the month, and no babies are being made; my ovaries are not pleased.

Anyway, tolerating my organs' inner turmoil got me thinking, our bodies are pretty bomb diggity. While we go about our days, tackling dirty diapers, footballs, office files, whatever it is we do, our bodies operate without asking for direction or even a thank you. At any given moment if you were to stop what you were doing and think, "What is physically going on inside of me right now?" I'm sure you could come up with an inexhaustible list.

There's a plethora of articles on body image, so I won't go there, but I implore everyone to stop waging war against the beautiful vessel that holds your powerful, intangible spirit. Everything your body does, it does to protect you. Excessive weight gain/loss, exhaustion, maladies are simply by-products of your body trying to save you from stress. When we focus on our unwanted condition - "I need to lose weight!!!!!" - what do we tell our bodies? "This is stressing me out!" and your body dutifully responds by tinkering with your metabolism, expending unnecessary energy, taxing your systems - all to prepare you for battle against your imaginary demons.

I used to be overweight. Not by a lot, but enough to take a hit to my self-esteem. I deprived myself of "bad" foods, I exercised diligently, I fought and fought against the fat, the fatigue, the absence of vitality. And nothing happened. I didn't lose weight, I was tired all the time, and the disappointment hacked away at my feelings of inadequacy even more. So I gave up. I ate healthy when I felt like it. Other times, I ate junk to the point of sickness because I felt like it. I irregularly got off my butt to do yoga and dance, because they were the only activities I enjoyed.
Guess what happened? I lost all the weight. I got my energy back. My acne subsided.

As soon as I LISTENED to my body and ACCEPTED the extra lumps, my body heaved a sigh of relief and worked at its optimum.

I'm not saying I have the figure of a supermodel or that my complexion is porcelain doll-esque. I just don't care anymore, because I love my body for whatever it is right now. It keeps me alive, for God's sake.

So throw your scale out the window, your "cheat day" schedule out of your mind, and your diet books into a raging bonfire. Bless every morsel of food that enters your mouth, even those chili cheese fries. Your body lets you do what you love, connect with the people you love, and it also unconditionally takes care of you. Let it be. And go live your life.

P.S. If you do enjoy fitness, body-building, specialized nutrition, etc., that is great!! You do yo thang. I'm not preaching otherwise. As long as it brings you JOY. You could be living off earthworms for all I care.

So Much Cringing

Every time I look at my past writing, I am taken aback by how hormonal and angst-y I was. Which is okay, because I was (still am?) a hormonal, angst-y person, like many people at that age.

I almost always read over my past work and think, "Pssht, my writing is much more SUPERIOR now," as if it was once a warty toad that has blossomed into a wartless toad (horrible analogies live here). However, five years from now, will I look back on this post and think, "Dear God, please forgive me for being a loser?"

I think it's important for me to embrace my overemotional, melodramatic past self because it obviously shaped me into who I am today. I should also relax about how I am now. Self-judgement is a very strong force, and I choose to just accept what I am, what I write, and how I behave. Some days I am the epitome of grace and class, other times I have boogers hanging out my nose and wear the same clothes repeatedly until I cannot stand the stench of my own odour. It is what it is, people.

P.S. To my future husband: I will be considerate of your nostrils and aim to smell like a fresh petunia once we meet.
P.P.S. To my friends who are disgusted I would not extend them the same courtesy: I don't have such friends.

Complimentary Compliments

I am the type of person who very openly likes to appreciate people. This is usually well-received, except sometimes younger members of the opposite sex (I speak of you, teenage/young adult boys) think that any mention of their nice shoes/good looks/talent is my way of flagging them as fresh meat, targets for my powers of seduction.

To be honest, that is a perfectly reasonable assumption. Flirting very much involves flattery. However, I wish for the male species to know that even if you do register in my psyche as a hot tamale, all compliments come from a place of platonic admiration, as my ability to flirt is that of a potato.

I very recently told someone I found him handsome and I think it made our acquaintanceship/budding friendship spiral dramatically into the awkward-avoidance zone. I am sorry, handsome acquaintance! I didn't mean to come onto you like a rabbit in heat! I just wanted you to know you are well-made!

I know I could easily just bite my tongue and express my appreciation later, when the relationship is more developed. Or I could precede the compliment with a warning: "I promise I'm not trying to hit on you, but..."

I find that really lame, though. If you give someone a compliment, how they react to it should be none of your concern - if they think you are nutso or desperate for sexual healing, then that is their interpretation and has nothing to do with your delivery.
For me, everything that comes out of my mouth is meant to be taken at face value, because most times I say it without any undercurrent of a deeper meaning. Perhaps when others start dissecting my words to find the hidden message, misunderstanding ensues.

Also. Since when did "conversating" become a word? It's CONVERSING, people.

End

Hello, Stranger

Oh hai, world.

I was told by a most kind and beautiful soul today that I am such a good writer, I should leave all other pursuit of work with wild abandon and focus on my talent. And I replied with, "Yes, I am quite good at writing. I am indeed." And then I thought about how I spend my days fretting over my less-than-ideal grasp of biological science (a.k.a. my university major) instead of celebrating this seemingly God-given gift. And then I thought about this blog and how I leave it to shrivel and die without love and attention, like many a holiday fruitcake. And then I realized I use conjunctions to start new sentences. And then --

So (doh!) I figured, why not hone my amateur skills on this blog by writing about whatever drivel spews out of my mind. Let me tell you, my gray cells register "above average" on the randomness scale. If randomness was measured by skyscraper privileges, I would have a penthouse suite in the stratosphere.

Enjoy.

What Doesn't Kill You...

Dear Formal Education,

I used to think I was smart. And deep down, I still do believe that I am somewhat intelligent. However, your system of assessing my skills and knowledge has reduced me to thinking I have the IQ of cabbage.

Yes, I know what I get out of my education is completely up to me, and unfortunately I am the type of person who loses motivation to do well when my marks plummet... a vicious cycle.

Anyway, I am here to call a truce and not hate on you since it will only bite me in the butt at the end of it all. What I am trying to say to you and the faculty I deal with at university is: PLEASE PASS ME. PLEEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE!

Love,
Samaa

Hot Potato

I have a friend who I hold very dear to me. He is of the male persuasion. At one point, I wanted more but the feelings were unreturned. It was a bummer, but it's okay - you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it. The problem is, although I managed to move on, he never was able to let go of the fact that I LIKED him. I put it in capitals because it put so much strain on our friendship that from being really close, our bond disintegrated in front of my eyes within a matter of days. I wanted to be honest with him, so I told him how I felt. Maybe if I hadn't told him, we would still be best buddies.

I feel abandoned because although it is uncomfortable being in a one-sided relationship for both parties, I got over it and I did my best to stay on the down low. And let me clarify, neither did I write him sonnets or try to seduce him in dark alleyways, nor did I do anything even in the least romantic after we discussed the issue. He started dating someone and I legitimately backed off. I'm not even upset that he reacted badly, because it is totally understandable. But it does bother me that months later, he is not over it to the point where he would rather burn bridges than even maintain a friendship on the most basic level. I guess it's because I have a vagina, so it can never be platonic again...?!?!?

I don't mean to put him down, because he is genuinely one of the most wonderful human beings I've had the pleasure to get to know and be friends with, and he is a good person. I guess I just opened Pandora's box.

I feel like a hot potato :P, only because the man I once considered one of my best friends has practically turned into a different person altogether, a stranger. It's like the friend I had in him died and now I have to deal with a cold, distant replacement. Except I don't have to deal with him, because he is completely absent.

Now for my two cents: if someone expresses that they love you (to whatever extent), it shouldn't destroy what was there before if you don't feel the same way. Yes, maybe a period of distancing to allow the awkwardness to dissipate is reasonable, but if someone says they love you, it took him/her courage and honesty to tell you and I think that should be appreciated and respected.

I don't regret that I told my friend how I felt. I did it because I valued honesty in our relationship and trust me, it took gigantic balls to do. Maybe if I hadn't I would still be able to text him without crapping my pants thinking he might be irritated at my attempt to reconnect once again. But I shouldn't have to live in fear that I won't be accepted for wanting to reach out and be the caring person that I am.

I think I've been polite enough. So now I'm just going to say one mean thing to get it off my chest: [Insert name here], I'm not pining away for you, so get off your throne and let go of your ego. Realize that I was just being a friend to you in the same way I am with all my friends. So just take a chill pill, buddy. I care about you. Be happy.

Being an Eager Beaver

I think I handed in my sanity along with my resignation letter at work the other day. Perhaps the impending time freedom I am about to have is causing a chemical imbalance in my brain, because I have started suggesting to my soon-to-be-former co-workers that we should all go white-water rafting one weekend. Do I even know them well enough to be strapped together with them as we go crashing through waves and have water sent up our nostrils? Probably not, but isn't that how friendships are formed?? In life-threatening, thrill-seeking, adrenaline-inducing contexts??

Anyway, I made this suggestion via text to a friend from work and instantly regretted the decision (why must I be so impulsive?) so instead sent a follow-up text saying we should just go for dinner with the others instead. I don't know, I felt like I had crossed an unseen line where you just don't suggest such intimate encounters with the wild as a hang out with mere co-workers. Like, maybe it was asking too much? But that's me thinking about what society would say, because I truly would be more than happy to have fun doing something like that.

*Sigh* Is it wrong to want to live big and perhaps expect people to invest time and effort in each other? Maybe. I know I do have trouble gauging how much a person is willing to put into a relationship but I do believe I have the right idea and people should be open to such bonding experiences. Because it may seem daunting or uncomfortable, but if you forever stay in your bubble of comfort, learning about people, connecting with them on a deeper level - all that may never get a chance to make relationships blossom. Then again, I am an emotional sap and am friendly beyond reason, haha. I like getting to know people closely and not everyone is like that. For some, people just come and go in life and it's not a big deal.

I think my way of living is better. Yay for opinions!