Ever wanted to make your very own Bollywood dance costume in the comfort of your own bed? OF COURSE YOU DID. That is the average North American's number one career goal. Here's how you do it. You're welcome.
Step 1: Far exceed your budget by getting a custom, tailor-made blouse that fulfills your visionary idea of what a TRUE Bollywood costume should look like.
Step 2: Realize that the expensive lace you had stitched on now restricts the elasticity of the fabric and therefore, does not allow the top to slip past your broad, manly shoulders. A.K.A. You dun messed up and now can't get the top on past your elbows.
Step 3: Eat fried chicken as a stress response and then forget to wash your hands like the unsanitary mofo that you are. This ensures you will get oil stains on absolutely everything you touch hereafter.
Step 4: Cut the professionally-applied lace border into way more pieces than necessary to free up movement of the fabric. The excessive destruction is because you did not bother to plan ahead or apply any proper reasoning. YOU ARE AN ARTIST, AFTER ALL. Common sense would curtail your creative freedom.
Step 5: Realize that cutting lace means that you now have enough frayed ends and embellishments falling off to start your own craft store.
Step 6: Try to stitch up the frayed ends with the wrong-coloured thread and realize it looks hella ugly.
Step 7: Revert to burning ("cauterizing") the frayed ends with a matchstick, but doing it carelessly enough that your costume catches on fire and you now have a burn mark on one side.
Step 8: Use gift-wrapping tape and slap it on that fabric like it is a Grade Two arts project to hold everything together.
And voila! You now have a professional dance top that you cannot wash, otherwise everything will fall apart. Also, to add extra flair as a finishing touch, make sure your cats are gnawing on the lace while you work so that there are bite marks and cat hair on everything that matters.
Fini.
(Okay, sarcasm over, as much as all of the above really did happen, the end product actually looks really good and I'm proud of my ghetto problem-solving abilities. Anyone who's an artist will know, things never work out as initially imagined, but that same imagination is what will get you through.
Fini for real.)
