Hot Potato

I have a friend who I hold very dear to me. He is of the male persuasion. At one point, I wanted more but the feelings were unreturned. It was a bummer, but it's okay - you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it. The problem is, although I managed to move on, he never was able to let go of the fact that I LIKED him. I put it in capitals because it put so much strain on our friendship that from being really close, our bond disintegrated in front of my eyes within a matter of days. I wanted to be honest with him, so I told him how I felt. Maybe if I hadn't told him, we would still be best buddies.

I feel abandoned because although it is uncomfortable being in a one-sided relationship for both parties, I got over it and I did my best to stay on the down low. And let me clarify, neither did I write him sonnets or try to seduce him in dark alleyways, nor did I do anything even in the least romantic after we discussed the issue. He started dating someone and I legitimately backed off. I'm not even upset that he reacted badly, because it is totally understandable. But it does bother me that months later, he is not over it to the point where he would rather burn bridges than even maintain a friendship on the most basic level. I guess it's because I have a vagina, so it can never be platonic again...?!?!?

I don't mean to put him down, because he is genuinely one of the most wonderful human beings I've had the pleasure to get to know and be friends with, and he is a good person. I guess I just opened Pandora's box.

I feel like a hot potato :P, only because the man I once considered one of my best friends has practically turned into a different person altogether, a stranger. It's like the friend I had in him died and now I have to deal with a cold, distant replacement. Except I don't have to deal with him, because he is completely absent.

Now for my two cents: if someone expresses that they love you (to whatever extent), it shouldn't destroy what was there before if you don't feel the same way. Yes, maybe a period of distancing to allow the awkwardness to dissipate is reasonable, but if someone says they love you, it took him/her courage and honesty to tell you and I think that should be appreciated and respected.

I don't regret that I told my friend how I felt. I did it because I valued honesty in our relationship and trust me, it took gigantic balls to do. Maybe if I hadn't I would still be able to text him without crapping my pants thinking he might be irritated at my attempt to reconnect once again. But I shouldn't have to live in fear that I won't be accepted for wanting to reach out and be the caring person that I am.

I think I've been polite enough. So now I'm just going to say one mean thing to get it off my chest: [Insert name here], I'm not pining away for you, so get off your throne and let go of your ego. Realize that I was just being a friend to you in the same way I am with all my friends. So just take a chill pill, buddy. I care about you. Be happy.

Being an Eager Beaver

I think I handed in my sanity along with my resignation letter at work the other day. Perhaps the impending time freedom I am about to have is causing a chemical imbalance in my brain, because I have started suggesting to my soon-to-be-former co-workers that we should all go white-water rafting one weekend. Do I even know them well enough to be strapped together with them as we go crashing through waves and have water sent up our nostrils? Probably not, but isn't that how friendships are formed?? In life-threatening, thrill-seeking, adrenaline-inducing contexts??

Anyway, I made this suggestion via text to a friend from work and instantly regretted the decision (why must I be so impulsive?) so instead sent a follow-up text saying we should just go for dinner with the others instead. I don't know, I felt like I had crossed an unseen line where you just don't suggest such intimate encounters with the wild as a hang out with mere co-workers. Like, maybe it was asking too much? But that's me thinking about what society would say, because I truly would be more than happy to have fun doing something like that.

*Sigh* Is it wrong to want to live big and perhaps expect people to invest time and effort in each other? Maybe. I know I do have trouble gauging how much a person is willing to put into a relationship but I do believe I have the right idea and people should be open to such bonding experiences. Because it may seem daunting or uncomfortable, but if you forever stay in your bubble of comfort, learning about people, connecting with them on a deeper level - all that may never get a chance to make relationships blossom. Then again, I am an emotional sap and am friendly beyond reason, haha. I like getting to know people closely and not everyone is like that. For some, people just come and go in life and it's not a big deal.

I think my way of living is better. Yay for opinions!